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:iconequestriabroken:

I am lost.

Journal Entry: Tue May 5, 2015, 1:20 PM


so.... This is a bit of a rant mixed with an identity crisis so if you don't like that stuff, than you don't have to read it.


I am at my whits end with this job. In my 10 years of having a job I have hated every single task given. I am 24, I have been "working" since I was 14 and my mum had a pecan business where me and my sis had to do the packing. I hated it. Than I was taken out of my junior year of high school to wash clothes for fire fighters during a huge 3-month long fire that we had to evacuate for. I hated that. Than after that I was forced into a dish washing/hosting job that my sister left when she moved to try to become a welder. That was horrible as the people there were emotionally abusive. Than I moved to go to school, which I figured would be great because I could live on financial aid while concentrating on classes. That didn't pan out, as apparently my parents' income matters until I'm 26 which is utterly stupid because they are taking care of 3 other children on near-poverty levels of income. So they said my parents make too much money so I can't get financial aid (along with that they don't contribute to my schooling AT ALL aside from filing for my tax returns which is barley breaking even every year so they don't get any money back) so I had to get another job, which I couldn't get because apparently my previous jobs don't mean shit down in Los Angeles where you don't get a job if you don't speak Spanish.

So I took up a volunteer position for a local church while applying everywhere else and getting nothing but "I am sorry you don't have enough experience" responces. While working at my current spot I was hired ONLY to do financial imputing since the previous person was messing up so hard. After about a week the stupid secretary decided to force me to answer the phone. Which, I mind you, is HER job not mine which started my pure hatred for this woman. She is ALWAYS late for work then complains if the air conditioner is on lower than 77 and bitches and moans when she is told to redo something because she screwed up on it. In the 3 years I've been working for this church I have only ever gotten complaints from HER about my work. Normally I will turn in something and it's over with, but she has to stick her fingers into my work and tells me that everything I do must go through her so she can check it for errors. Next thing I know I am getting in trouble because she never passed it on after I had given the work to her and a copy into the box of whoever requested the work (which means she went behind me and took it out of the box.) Along with that she is giving my work that I was originally hired to do, to other people who are royally messing it up because she thinks I am too slow when she and other people keep dropping their work on me so they can go out and have 3 hour lunches while I'm finishing their work because I NEED the money.

Because of this job I'm stressed. I'm having an emotional break down at least every other month and I can't sleep.  At all. I am constantly tired and I can't focus on my schooling which I should have been done with by now but I have to keep retaking classes because I can't concentrate on the subject material without nearly nodding off or thinking about how much shit I have to do at work. I really want to finish school and become an actual animator, not just a wanna-be.

And now along with all of that work shit, I'm being told at home that I should change career paths and stop doing youtube because that will get me nowhere in life and that I should become a nurse or other kind of physician since I'm "more likely" to get a job in the health care system. But I DON'T WANT to be a nurse or doctor because I would be unhappy with that position as I am now with my current desk job. Then I look at my youtube channel and how much fun I have when I am able to upload anything and how much I wish I could meet others though that channel. I have to wonder if I'm going to end up as another hobo in 10 years because I'm unfit for what people think is a "normal" job.

I wish.. I could make youtube my full time job. I would love to get paid for doing things I love but with everyone putting me down, I don't know how to keep it up. My uploading is so sporadic because my recording set up keeps fucking up and the stress and doubt everyone keeps throwing on top of me is making it impossible to be entertaining. I just want to curl up in a hole and never come out until people stop doubting what I want to do.

I lost 1 subscriber last week and it crushed me. I only have 17 subs now and with over 100 uploaded videos I don't know what to do. I tried a poll to see how to become better and all I was told to do was "be more entertaining" but that's not helpful.. I tried to do that be becoming more.. "animated" with my commentary but that hasn't helped. I have been wanting to do reviews and such but I don't have the money to buy the games I want to review, or games that have little to no reviews that I could find. I've been slowly upgrading my recording equipment and even bought a $50 program that was highly recommended after saving up for 6 months to be able to afford it.

I really don't know what to do.

Do I continue or do I give up on my dream?

How do I become more entertaining when I'm feeling like crap about myself?


  • Listening to: Fall out boy (their new stuff)
  • Playing: DBZ XV

Should I keep with my dream or give up and do something that is expected? 

100%
2 deviants said Keep your dream, screw those who tell you otherwise!
0%
No deviants said Give up, your dream isn't worth poverty.
0%
No deviants said uh.... (comment?)

Comments


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:iconaudie-nerd:
Audie-Nerd Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
If you're ever willing to give that Rainbow Pallet pony away, give me a call!
I can dream xD.
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:iconpsitt:
Psitt Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Digital Artist
[link]

All done :)

Let me know if you need any changes.
Reply
:icondg-comatose:
DG-Comatose Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Digital Artist
awesome :3 thanks
Reply
:iconpsitt:
Psitt Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Student Digital Artist
Hi! It's Kymara from FP. Just thought I'd keep track of you haha.
Reply
:icondg-comatose:
DG-Comatose Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Student Digital Artist
heh alright
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